


Clear the Air

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mass Effect 2, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:07:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7011907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joker has had a hard time coping with the destruction of the Normandy and its Commander. It's finally time to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clear the Air

It was the shittiest day of the year.

To be honest, most days were pretty shitty lately, but this one was by far the worst of the bunch. Still, Joker dragged himself out of bed and properly cleaned up in order to look presentable. He certainly couldn’t have anyone judging him for looking like a hobo loser. He was merely a grounded-pilot loser, after all.

He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to go to this little ‘celebration’ as they called it. Billed as a festivity in honor of Commander Shepard’s life and sacrifice a year ago, he knew it was going to be a somber, guilt-filled funeral all over again. It was hard enough to endure the first time. Returning to the company of the rest of the living Normandy crew (those that deemed it important enough to show up, anyway) was going to be gut-wrenching. As much as he really didn’t want to see them, their pitiful looks, their judging eyes, he had too much respect for the Commander to simply bail.

Each person he ran into was very stiff. Uncomfortable. If Shepard had seen this, the helmsman easily recognized that she would have started yelling at them to get their heads out of their asses. She wasn’t the type to linger on the losses if she could help it. She carried the fallen souls with her, yes, but she somehow used that as fuel to push forward and do better. Joker and the rest of the crew, however, seemed mired in the loss, even if they tried to convince themselves otherwise.

It wasn’t until Liara went off to do some asari things, Garrus left to calibrate something, Tali excused herself to disinfect, Wrex departed to headbutt someone, and everyone else had drifted away after saying a few words about the Commander, that Joker found himself alone. He snorted in vague amusement at a picture of Shepard that flashed up on the on the far wall. He remembered that it had been taken just after she’d walked away from the Council after saving their asses from Saren and Sovereign. That cocky smirk was well earned.

“Hey, Joker,” a familiar voice choked from just behind him. Joker tried to hide the wince that struck him as natural instinct.

“Heya… Lieutenant.” Joker answered, turning his gaze over his shoulder to acknowledge the dark-haired marine who, he begrudgingly acknowledged, was probably the only one that suffered through this entire mess worse than he himself had.

Kaidan hummed in response. “I guess it’s ‘Commander’ now.” He took a seat next to Joker and stared at the images of Shepard as they slowly cycled across the wall.

“Ahh. Congratulations.” Joker couldn’t bring himself to use the proper title. It held too much meaning, but for another person. He mentally waved off the necessity. The Alliance hadn’t been doing him too many favors lately, anyway.

“Thanks,” came Kaidan’s quiet reply as the pair were plunged into a long uncomfortable silence.

Joker frantically thought of ways to somewhat-politely excuse himself from the newly promoted officer’s presence, since he could never hobble quietly or quickly enough to the door to vacate the premises unnoticed. Some part of him wanted to talk to Kaidan, to clear the air between them, but he simply didn’t know where to start. Heart-to-heart conversations were certainly not his forte, nor were they even vaguely in the vicinity of his comfort zone.

“Listen,” the biotic said at last. Joker knew his window for escape had already come and gone. He swallowed hard, mentally preparing himself for whatever Kaidan was preparing to say or do. If nothing else, he could provide a crutch to the knee. “I want you to know that I’m sorry about the last time we talked. I really don’t blame you for what happened with the Normandy. With Shepard.”

“Really?” Joker answered with a chuckle despite nerves still on edge. “That’s, like, the complete opposite of last time, actually.”

“I know.” Kaidan nodded and his head dipped down seemingly out of regret. Joker recognized it after seeing it in the mirror too many times to count. “I was upset and looking for someone to blame. I took the easy route, not the right one.”

“I get it.” The helmsman forced his clenched jaw to relax. He’d held a lot of anger for this soldier for a year now, given the harsh words hurled his direction in the aftermath of tragedy, and it was time to let it go. “I know what she meant to you. I mean, no one knows. But I know. You know?”

“Uhh. Yeah.” Kaidan answered, glancing up at Joker with a pained look in his eyes.

“She’d be proud of you right now. Telling you to kick ass on her behalf and whatever.” Joker wasn’t even sure what he was saying now, but somehow he knew that Shepard would have been pleased to see that Kaidan had been promoted and that he was thinking clearly again. He knew that she’d also gladly slap her favorite helmsman in the back of the head for wallowing in guilt for the past year.

“Yeah. Maybe.” Kaidan straightened and sighed heavily. “I just wanted to take a second to say that I’ve been thinking a lot about it. Every day, really. And now I know we were all just doing our jobs. That damned training they drill into us from day one took over. I can’t help but think that if just one of us would have denied our positions for a split second, things would have turned out differently. It can’t be helped, though. We were doing things by the book. I’m just as much to blame as anyone.”

“Yeah…” Joker responded, still rather shocked that Kaidan was thinking so rationally and speaking so openly about an event that had traumatized them both. “We can’t go back, but if we could… well… I’m just glad you’re beyond wanting to punch me in the face. You are beyond that, right?”

Kaidan chuckled. “Yes, don’t worry. I wouldn’t have punched you in the face in the first place, Joker.”

“Good. My glorious cheekbones couldn’t handle it.”

Another long silence passed between the two as Shepard’s image flashed before their eyes. Joker could remember when most of the pictures were taken. Had she always looked that annoyed? Given the crew she had, the problems she was constantly instructed to fix, and the antics of the Council, probably.

“Well, for what it’s worth, Kaidan,” Joker finally said as he gathered his crutches to finally put this past him and hibernate in grounded obscurity for another year. “I’m glad you’re happy and you deserved the promotion.”

“Happy? Nah,” Kaidan admitted as he rose to stand. “I’ll keep going.”

Joker paused, understanding the sentiment all too well. It was a very Shepard-like outlook on things, and he could appreciate that. He realized that he also could abide by it, if he put more effort into living rather than just existing. She had to have saved him for a reason, he supposed.

A gentle hand was placed on Joker’s shoulder, causing him to jump. He wasn’t exactly the touchy-feely sort, what with the huggably-breakable bones and all, but he composed himself just as quickly.

“Take care of yourself, Joker,” the look in Kaidan’s eyes as he said the words was a mix of many emotions. Pain, sadness, acceptance… but pity and judgment weren’t there. That meant something.

“Yeah. You too,” he said as he settled his weight onto his crutches and prepared to move. He glanced at the smirking image of Shepard one last time before turning his attention to Kaidan and nodding his head respectfully. “Commander.”


End file.
